the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
