who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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