If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
