I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
