the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
