i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
