Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
