Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
