Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
We got so high we made milksteak
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
