dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
