Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
