So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
