Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
