last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize
