The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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