at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
