i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
