don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
