if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
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