we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
My bed smells like the plague
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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