help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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