Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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