i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
