i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
