i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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