well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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