i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
