So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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