i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
