You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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