There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
