God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I deserve this hangover.
My vagina just clenched in fear
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