Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
