and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
