Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
