Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
