FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Randomize
