Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
