Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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