Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
