Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
