I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
