if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
