Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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