I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
