I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
