just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Randomize
