The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
