just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
