I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
