chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
