You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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